


Crime Dads

by treedunked



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Divergent, Family, Getting Together, M/M, Pining, finding a baby and KEEPING her
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-05 21:17:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17926535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/treedunked/pseuds/treedunked
Summary: When two criminals find a baby, only good things can happen, right?Obviously canon divergent.





	Crime Dads

**Author's Note:**

> hey I think a fic of this nature was inevitable for me. i love these guys a lot, and am excited to make something more than a one shot.
> 
> should mainly be a lot of fluffy and romantic tension! my favorite!
> 
> find me at aubreylittlee on tumblr!

The rain was unbearable that day.

Ned Chicane ran through the city streets with a newspaper above his head to keep off the rain. He nearly skid past the alleyway in his sprint, but gave pause when he swore he heard the sound of soft wailing amongst the patter of rain. He pauses to listen closer, turning fully to face the dark alleyway as his expression crunches up curiously, eyebrows furrowed and eyes squinted in concentration.

The noise was soft amongst the pitter of rain, a light whine behind the sheets of water. Ned’s posture fell and a cold pit dropped in his stomach, a sudden chill coming over him that was unrelated from the rain pouring down on him.

Ned lowered the newspaper and carefully tread along the alleyway, stepping into the pungent darkness with hesitation and all the steadiness of a thief. He followed the sound of whining to besides the dumpster where it became more intense, a concentrated cry that echoed in the dingy space. 

On the wet ground there was a cardboard box, a dirty blue blanket stuffed within and the panels open up so the contents within poked out. Ned crouched down to get a better look, his heart picking up to a fast thrum as he grabbed the blanket and opened it up.

In the box crying within there was a tiny baby, a little body in a big box. Their tiny arms flailed weakly when the blanket was unwrapped from their little form.

“Ohhhhh my God. Oh fuck.” 

The reply was immediate and his voice was a whisper. Ned grabbed the blanket and wrapped the baby up and pulled the bundle into his arms, bringing the baby flush against his chest. “It’s okay– ah shit, I got you little guy…” He assumed it was a guy. 

Ned rocked the baby in his arms as he exited the alleyway, rain drenching him as he hunched over the form of the baby to keep them dry. 

It was a ten minute walk to the hotel.

The hotel was as dingy as it got, but since he was with Boyd he never felt scared within it. However, now that he was walking into the shady establishment with a baby in tow he was less than eager. He kept the bundle close as he walked to the elevator, ignoring the gaze of the receptionist who was startled by a sopping wet man alone with a dirty whiny baby. 

Oh god. Boyd was gonna have a heart attack. He hadn’t even thought about what his partner in crime would say. He would be bringing a baby into the vicinity of two criminals. His brow furrowed as he punched the fifth floor button. He really wasn’t cut out for this.

The baby’s cries had quieted down, and instead they were just shivering against Ned’s chest. Other than being cold and dirty, the baby looked alright. He would’ve taken it to a hospital, but the hospital would’ve done the rational thing and taken the baby away immediately. It wasn’t exactly low profile to take a baby to a hospital anyways, even if he really wanted to.

This was ridiculous. He was a notorious thief and he was in an elevator holding a baby. He should’ve just called the cops and floored it, but then the kid would’ve been sent off to the nearest adoption agency and be stuck being shuffled from home to home without anyone to care about them. His face wrinkled up in confusion at this thought, he wasn’t necessarily the best alternative.

Either way, the elevator dinged off tune and opened up to the fifth floor. He was greeted by yellow walls and ugly maroon with green and yellow zig zag carpeting. He walks, rubbing the back of the baby in his arms as he turns the corner to walk down the hallway towards his room. 524 was the room number, and it only took a bit to get there.

He fished the card from his back pocket and inserted it, the light on the lock glowing green when it registered the card. Ned eagerly opened the door and walked into the room which still smelled rank of Febreeze, just like they’d gotten it.

“Welcome back.” A voice came from the bathroom, yellow light glowing from within. There was the sound of water, the clack of a razor tapping off shaving foam from the blade and the muscular form of Boyd Mosche moving from within the bathroom to the entranceway. He had some shaving cream still on his face from where he was shaving, obviously, and the light reflected off of him and enunciated each detail of his handsome chiseled face.

Per usual, Ned’s heart skipped a beat.

“Hey Boyd—” “Shit Ned! You’re sopping wet! You look like drowned rat and…” Boyd began before his eyes drifted down from Ned’s face to the faded blue bundle in his arms. His concerned expression immediately shifted, his dark eyes widening and his lips twitching into a deep frown. “Holy shit, holy shit is that a fucking baby?! Did you take someone’s kid, Ned?!”

Despite probably wanting to continue to interrogate Ned, Boyd disappeared to the bathroom to grab some towels. He came back holding a stack of white towels and began to swaddle Ned in the towels, but Ned took one, tossed the wet baby blanket to the side and wrapped the baby in the towels. 

Ned walked over to his bed with the baby in arm and sat down, drying the baby tenderly as Boyd continued to launch questions at him. “Where did you find a baby? Why did you bring it  _ here? _ !” Ned rubbed the baby’s cheek with the towel, the baby scrunching their face up as their soft cheeks were dried off. “Listen Boyd, I didn’t steal a baby. I found him in an alleyway all alone! And god’s knows I couldn’t call the fucking cops! So I did the next best thing and brought him here…”

Ned couldn’t help but smile when the baby finally stopped shivering. He looked at Boyd, “Hey, can you bring me my bag? I’m gonna make him a diaper.” “A diaper? Jesus, Ned, you aren’t seriously considering keeping an actual baby?? Did you forget what our jobs entail of…?!” Yet as he said this he made his way to Ned’s duffel bag in the corner and heaved it over his shoulder to bring it back to Ned. It was pretty standard, a big green bag with a zipper across it. He placed it down on the bed.

Ned stood up for a second, removing the towel from the baby and placing the infant on their back as he spreaded out a towel on the bed in a wide rectangle. He laid the baby down on the bed, “Poor thing’s probably been in this diaper all day.” Smelled like ass, he hadn’t smelled it that well in between the already ass smell of the city.

“We’ll need to go to the store tomorrow and get some real diapers.” Ned commented, and Boyd immediately tensed at the thought of the two of them going into a market to get diapers for a baby. “Ned. We  _ aren’t  _ keeping a fucking baby! We are constantly on the run from the cops, we live in shitty hotels,  _ and  _ what the fuck are people gonna say about two grown ass men raising a baby, especially ones that look like us!!”

Ned brought the butt naked baby into the bathroom to wash off. Boyd followed close behind him, as Ned attempted to wash the baby clean with small rags and toilet paper. “Like what? Devilishly sexy? Sexy people can have babies, Boyd.” Ned replied unhelpfully, and Boyd audibly groaned in response. “You’re driving me insane.” 

“It’s a girl!” Ned hoisted the baby up and waved her in his face. Boyd turned his face away from the smiling baby, the way her cheeks dimpled when her lips were upturned. “Hmm, names. What should we call her?” Ned mused, cushioning the baby against his chest as he walked to his bed. “We  _ aren’t  _ naming her cause we aren’t gonna keep her. We can leave her at the steps of a hospital or somethin’ like that.”

“Uh huh, and no one at all will see that.” Ned commented as he fixed the towel to be like a diaper. He got some duct tape and taped it on to the baby. “Hmm… Claudia? Esmeralda?” “Those are bloody stupid. She isn’t some haughty noblewoman, awaiting a letter from her beloved in Italy or some shit.” Boyd sat on the bed besides the two of them, glancing at Ned with the currently unnamed child in his arms. “Ooo, Italy. Maybe we could call her Florence?” 

“Florence? That’s awfully fruity.” Boyd mused, and then his face scrunched up. He looked away from both of them with a conflicted expression, and Ned himself realized he was being far too idealistic. He looked down at the baby, noting her dark eyes. He placed his hand on her cheek, and she lifted her hand to bat at his much bigger palm. “…Hey Boyd. I… know this is a lot. I know that. But I couldn’t have left her.”

“I know.” Boyd replied, his face still away from Ned’s. In Ned’s arms, the baby was nodding off into sleep. Ned brought himself closer to Boyd, places his head on his shoulder and felt him tense underneath him. He could feel him breathe, feel the way his body shifted with each inhale. “…You know, what’s ticking me off is that I would’ve done the same fucking thing. We’ll go shopping for baby supplies tomorrow. I don’t know how we’re gonna do this, but I guess we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.”

With that, Boyd turned his face back towards Ned. They stared at each other for a while, and Ned felt his pulse quicken with each second Boyd’s brown eyes staring deep in his own. Boyd was so close, they were close enough to where he could almost taste the whiskey on his breath. His gaze was piercing, and every second of it made Ned feel weak in the knees and conflicted between shrinking away and kissing him breathless.

He couldn’t do either, obviously, so he pulled away and smiled. “Thanks, Boyd.” With that, he curled up in bed with the child resting besides him. “…We really need to think of a name, yanno?” Ned mentions, shifting the blankets over the baby. He felt uncomfortable in his wet clothing, so he got up and removed his shirt. 

Boyd didn’t look away. Ned walked over to his suitcase and got out some dry clothing. He could still feel Boyd’s eyes on him as he slipped his fingers to his pants, thumbs hooking his belt loops as he began to inch his pants off. On his back, there was a small tramp stamp. Then he stopped, smiled to himself and walked into the bathroom to change.

They were close, but he wasn’t about to show his ass to him quite yet. 

After getting into some pajamas, some long pants and a tank top, he walked over to his bed. Boyd had moved over onto his bed. 

Ned crawled into his bed and covered himself in the covers, scooting in close with the new member of the squad. She didn’t really make much noise, but he did note a whistling sound from her breathing. There was so much he would need to do, get formula, diapers, toys, things like that.  They had enough from the last heist, he guessed they’d just have to invest the money wisely.

It would be a difficult change, but he was sure they’d make it work. 

Some things were worth it. This was one of those things.


End file.
